The Duelists' Laws of Fencing.

The following laws are some alleged truths we have discovered about the ancient art of Fencing during our years of observing. This is a work in progress. As our sages discover more truths about the fencing universe, we will share their valuable insights with the world at large.

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Name 

The Law 

1  The Inverse Law  The quality of your fencing style is inversely proportional to the health of your romantic relationship. (Exceptions are granted ONLY in cases of true love.) 
2  Stuart's Corollary to The Inverse Law  Good fencing is EXACTLY like a bad romantic relationship. First you figure out what your opponent wants. Second you make them think you are going to do what they want. Third, you don't actually do what they want. Fourth, when they come to get what they want, you step back and nail them to the wall. 
3  Doc's First Law of Foil  Whenever two lights are on, Doc is screwed. 
4  Bill's Corollary to Doc's First Law of Foil  All blade contact is initiated by Bill's opponent. 
5  Amy's First Law of Épée  The green-ness of your bruise is directly proportional to its age. 
6  Tommy's Green Cheese Lamé Law  The green-ness of your lamé is directly proportional to its age. 
7  Tom's Law of Lamé Prices  The cost of replacing your green cheesy lamé is an exponential function of your level of desperation. 
8  The Law of Mirrors  Never, ever, fleche at a mirror! They're nowhere near as sturdy as real opponents. 
9  Kim's Law of Épée for Doc  If you're getting hit in the chest, which is far from your opponent, and not the extremities, which are close to your opponent, you must be doing something REALLY wrong. 
10  Jerzy's Law of Épée  Hit HARDER! (This is the direct cause of law #5) 
11  Dave's Law  Beer DOES taste better after fencing (see the epic history). 
12  Steve's Law of Technique  If you're doing something right, but it's unnatural and painful, you're probably fencing. 
13  Épée Bill's All Purpose Fencing Law (as written inside his first jacket)  Don't get hit! 
14  Steve's Law of Illusory Hangover Opponents  When in doubt and seeing triple, aim for the opponent in the middle. 
15  Doc's Tournament Prescription  Take 2 Cat Phlegm and call me in the morning. 
16  Big Bill's Footwork Law  Stay at the bar until footwork is finished. If you come to class and see any footwork in progress, RUN, do not walk, back to the bar for another round. Repeat as necessary. 
17  Terry's First Law of Fencing  Don't think, fence! (Terry has also been reputed to say "Don't talk, drink.") 
18  Susan Krueger's First Law of Fencing  The way to a man's heart is through his sternum. 
19  Sabre Mike's Priority Law  Priority in Sabre is determined by volume, not timing. 
20  Dave's Sure Fire Bruised Hand Cure When a badly placed flick shot bruises your hand, wrap it around a cold beer. Bad bruises may require more than one beer. 
21  Geoff's First Law  Fencing is most pleasant when fantasizing about the crimson haired barmaid (and Geoff requests that you please "don't call me stoopid.") 
22  Beland's Law  If you wish to foster marital harmony, teach your spouse to fence. (We really suspect that John was looking for an excuse to buy more equipment, it worked.) 
23  Geoff's Second Law  If you don't come home from a tournament with any medals, you can always drop your knickers and show off all your nifty new bruises. 
24  Newton's Last Law of Gravity  G = (HR - HS) ^ (Age * Weight * $ * S). That is, G, the gravity acting on a piece of fencing equipment, is equal to (Hits Received - Hits Scored) raised to the power of the product of (1) your age (2) your weight (3) the amount of money you spent on gear and dues this year and (4) the skill level of your opponent. 
25  Lavey's First Law  Fencing isn't transitive. I can beat you, and you can beat Doc, but that doesn't mean I can beat Doc. 
26  Lavey's Second Law  Don't look at the lights! 
27  Vesper's First Law  Don't worry about your tournament ranking; don't worry about your pool standing; don't worry about winning this bout. Worry about MAKING THIS TOUCH. 
28 Bill E's Observation on Club Membership The second best thing about coming to a tournament with a big club is getting moral support in DEs. The BEST thing is having extra weapons.
29 Duelist Creed Being a Duelist means never having to be without a weapon.
30 Polasek's Competition Principle Never go in against the Duelists when Beer is on the line!

 

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