The top 10 warning signs that you might be a Duelist.

The following are the symptoms of a condition known as Duelism. There is no known cure for this disorder. It is a progressive disease, which if left untreated leads to an absence of spirit and lack of purpose in your life. If you display any or all of these symptoms, seek help immediately -- spend no more time in denial -- you are a lost Duelist. The unending pain of suffering through this condition alone can be alleviated by going to your friendly neighborhood tavern to join other lost souls for a round of beer. You might also try fencing first as an excuse to work up a thirst for beer.

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Symptom

10 Dissatisfaction with your current personal relationships. You may actually be dissatisfied, but have yet to realize it. Therefore, here's some help for you. Have you noticed any of the following: Your friends/associates/girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse have no class, drink cheap beer, watch too much television, and generally sit around on their fat @$$es analyzing the latest prime time melodrama. Their conversations and jokes are boring and repetitive and they don't cringe at the mention of "2 pounds of green bananas." They never go to the bar, and if they do it's a trendy namby-pamby "sports bar" with dozens of blaring televisions. These people don't really love you, they're just using you to fill the time between sitcoms. In other words, you're the entertainment and/or snack-slave during commercials. If you have EVER been hushed when the show comes back on, ditch the moron who did so, and then come join us.

9 Hatred of television, except for the odd Zoro re-run and Xena, the warrior princess.

8 Fantasizing about what it would be like to actually BE Xena, the warrior princess. If you have already bought the leather bikini armor, the world's most practical and revealing protective clothing, come to the Old Town Tavern IMMEDIATELY (please wear the armor).

7 You have watched "the Princess Bride" more than 3 times, and know how to complete the following dialog: "I know something you don't know..."

6 You have watched "Highlander" more than 3 times. You have either fantasized about, or tried, prancing around your living room wearing a kilt, swinging a broomstick, and shouting "THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!" Put down the broomstick, come to the Ann Arbor YMCA and grab a REAL weapon.

5 You have money in your bank account. This situation can be easily remidied by our associates at Triplette Competition Arms, the Ann Arbor YMCA, and the Old Town Tavern. This is an optional symptom, you can easily spend money you do not have at these establishments, this is what most of us actually do.

4 Normal beer seems pale, weak, and puny to your discriminating palate. You long for a beer which is thick, yeasty, and comes in a large bottle. Also, normal beer glasses seem too small. You are of course thirsting for a B.U.S. (Beer of Unusual Size), alias Hacker Pschorr. (Beers of Unusual Size? Frankly, I don't think they exist...)

3 Frustration with sports in which you don't actually score points by hitting your opponent with the equipment (sports like hockey, where the rules state you're supposed to get a penalty for this, don't count). Also, boredom with sporting equipment that normally functions correctly, and is not in constant need of repair.

2 A tendency to throw your sporting equipment across the room after losing a match. (Our high rate of equipment repairs has NOTHING to do with our tossing it across the room, and we resent your implying such.)

1 You suck at most normal sports, are clumsy and awkward, and have longed to participate in a sport where you could kick some @$$. This means that you have actually longed to be a fencer for "your whole life." (Don't worry, any day on which you display a lack of prowess can be written off as due to your really bad hangover. Just lie flat on your belly, sprawled across the strip and everyone will understand, or more likely join you.)


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